Posted in ESSAYS

The Night I Stopped Saying, “Good Night”

Isn’t it cute to always hear a little girl saying, “Good night, ma.” or “Good night, dad.”?

Believe me or not, I used to be a cute little girl who always bid my parents, ‘Good night’. I do that every, single, night… and then I stopped.

When I stopped, I am not a cute little girl anymore. I ended up crying at night silently, and sob a little harder every time I hear my younger sister say good night to my parents and gets a response. I remember at that time, I asked myself, “Why does she get a response while I don’t?”

You see, there’s jjust me and my sister, but as a kid, I can’t help but wonder why can they provide a response to my sister and no simple reply for me? And so, I decided to stop, thinking, “If they don’t want to greet me ‘good night’, then no more ‘good nights’.”

I did not hate my sister for that. It’s not her fault that she’s more likeable, sociable and charming. Besides, that’s always been the role of the youngest in the family. While I, as the eldest, should always be the responsible one and the open-minded one. But, there always come a time that the openness of our mind, no matter how vast, always reaches its limits. And when it do, we become curious and so, we raise questions. And if we don’t get answers, we get upset.

Every time I think of my younger self at that time, I feel upset, I feel like crying. I pity myself because I know, most of the time that I say  ‘Good night’, I know they can hear me.  It’s just that, they do not listen.

Good nights were replaced by sobs at night. One night, I did not know that my mom sneaked in into our room and caught me crying silently. I can’t remember anymore how I opened up about how I feel about my parents. All I can remember were the long sobs, heavy breathing and tears rolling down from my eyes. My mom and dad apologized and promised to greet me back next time and never miss it again.

After the long talk, we finally go to bed having a lighter heart that night.

The next evening, I told myself, “Let’s try.”

“Good night, Ma.”

Ma answered quicker than the quick brown fox, “Good night”.

“Good night, Dad.”

……. ( because he was watching T.V. and was not paying attention again. )

“DAD!” my mom whispered in a hissing voice.

I turned my back from him looking at our bedroom door and I didn’t care anymore if he’ll say it back or not and make another excuse for it.

“Ay! Good night. I’m watching the T.V.”

No. I did not looked back to him. To me, that’s over. No more.

As I walked toward our bed, I can hear my mom scolding my dad in a low voice again.

I slept, with fewwer tears that night telling myself, “It’s never enough.” then, fell asleep.

Nights have passed, and it’s only my sister who greets them ‘good night’.

Maybe my mom noticed that I don’t say ‘good night’  to them anymore. So, she initiates greeting me then. I always politely greet her back ‘good night’. But I already got tired trying to be noticed. And so, greeting ‘good night’ has finally come to an end.

Since then, GOOD NIGHTS never came from me anymore.